Summer may be a difficult time for those that are newly divorced. Summer vacations, the beach, and picnics can be fun; but they can also trigger insecurities and feelings of loss, loneliness, and failure. Here are some tips to help get you through the summer season.
5 Things To Do
1. Plan ahead. Dont wait until the last minute to make summer plans. However, be flexible and know that the plan may change.
2. Tap into your support network. Dont depend on just one person. Make sure you include many others - friends and/or family members - in your plan.
3. Keep it simple. Avoid biting off more then you can chew. Keep your financial and time restrictions in mind and set up a plan that you can afford.
4. Create new rituals. Divorce is the perfect time to assess and re-create your life as you want it to be. This time of assessment also allows you to design rituals that you will want to follow for years to come. Ask yourself - what do I REALLY want to do over this summer? Is there a signature event that you can host and call your own for years to come (Memorial Day, July 4th, Labor Day, or just a Girl's Weekend Getaway)? Now, set it up and do it.
5. Volunteer to help the needy. Giving back to the community feels good but it is also a great way to meet new people.
5 Things NOT To Do
1. Dont isolate. A little alone time is OK but make sure that you will be around others in your support network.
2. Dont waste time arguing over the details. If your Ex is stuck on having the kids for certain days, go with the flow. Many of my clients find that they get more when they give in. So be flexible and open to unseen possibilities.
3. Dont focus on the past or hold on to old patterns and rituals. Change is the only guaranty we have in life. Avoid dwelling on the things you miss as well as the vacation disasters that were part of you former life. Instead look to the future and march on.
4. Dont go anywhere you really dont want to go. Avoid critical or nosey relatives and anyone else who will open up old wounds.
5. Dont jump into a new relationship just because you dont want to be "alone." Instead, enjoy this summer season as a single.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
The Mother-Daughter Bond
For many women, the Mother-Daughter connection is life’s most complex relationship. This powerful bond can bring a woman unique insight, grace, and understanding or extreme sadness and resentment.
Typically, as a Mother-Daughter relationship evolves over time, their dependencies change. Ideally, Mom should become a supportive friend and ally. But early patterns can influence us forever. And, for some, the Mother-Daughter relationship stays stuck in adolescence - fraught with hurt, disappointment, disconnection, and conflict.
It takes two to tango. However, in order to improve a Mother-Daughter relationship, the mother must do more of the work. Here are five things you can do to lessen Mother-Daughter conflict.
1. Accept your daughter as an adult. Mothers who are unable to accept their daughters as adults typically find that their relationships are categorized by struggle and old patterns of control and rebellion.
2. Don't criticize. A mother's efforts to motivate self-improvement often make a daughter feel hurt and inadequate. Daughters need their mothers to view them as competent adults and beautiful women.
3. Listen supportively and allow breathing room. Avoid giving advice which may reflect your own values and desires. Instead, ask questions to improve your understanding of what she wants to do when faced with difficulty and allow your daughter to make her own decisions - even if you disagree.
4. Check it out. Before you do anything for your daughter or intervene in any way check it out with her. The Golden Rule does NOT apply. Instead, do unto your daughter, as SHE wants to be done unto. The only way you will know this is to ASK her what she wants.
5. Create a Mother-Daughter tradition and/or go on a Mother-Daughter retreat.
Typically, as a Mother-Daughter relationship evolves over time, their dependencies change. Ideally, Mom should become a supportive friend and ally. But early patterns can influence us forever. And, for some, the Mother-Daughter relationship stays stuck in adolescence - fraught with hurt, disappointment, disconnection, and conflict.
It takes two to tango. However, in order to improve a Mother-Daughter relationship, the mother must do more of the work. Here are five things you can do to lessen Mother-Daughter conflict.
1. Accept your daughter as an adult. Mothers who are unable to accept their daughters as adults typically find that their relationships are categorized by struggle and old patterns of control and rebellion.
2. Don't criticize. A mother's efforts to motivate self-improvement often make a daughter feel hurt and inadequate. Daughters need their mothers to view them as competent adults and beautiful women.
3. Listen supportively and allow breathing room. Avoid giving advice which may reflect your own values and desires. Instead, ask questions to improve your understanding of what she wants to do when faced with difficulty and allow your daughter to make her own decisions - even if you disagree.
4. Check it out. Before you do anything for your daughter or intervene in any way check it out with her. The Golden Rule does NOT apply. Instead, do unto your daughter, as SHE wants to be done unto. The only way you will know this is to ASK her what she wants.
5. Create a Mother-Daughter tradition and/or go on a Mother-Daughter retreat.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Moving Through The Crisis
At a recent meeting of The Mental Health Professionals of Boca Raton, a group of local therapists brainstormed ideas on how we can best guide our clients through the current crisis. There was a lot of wisdom at that meeting and this is what we came up with.
We are currently living through financial, real estate and health crises. The stock market and banks are in upheaval, the real estate market is a disaster, unemployment is at an all time high, and in addition to the health care mess we are facing a possible pandemic. This is enough to push almost anyone over the edge.
Ann Toback Bair, LCSW, calls our current situation a “crisis of trust.” Sadly, there have been serious breaches of trust and many of us have lost faith in our leaders, our institutions, each other and, for some, our selves.
The financial crisis has triggered a lot of shame. Those who have lost their homes, their jobs, and their available credit often feel driven to point the finger of blame at their spouses, family members, and friends. Loss brings back childhood insecurities, leaving us with a diminished capacity and a tendency to act out negatively.
However, there are things you can do to avoid falling victim to the negativity. Strategies for getting though the current crisis fall into two categories - action strategies and attitude strategies.
Action Strategies
1. Create a concrete plan of action. List your personal resources and then conceptualize the strategies that you will utilize during the next month, 6 months and year ahead.
2. Become an activist. Get involved with something that is going to make a difference.
3. Commune. Connect with your neighbors and members of your community. Avoid isolation. Start or join a support group or a meet-up. Have a Bar-b-q – serve hot dogs, not steak. Make time for sharing breakfast. It’s critical to remember that you are not alone.
4. Meditate and breathe. When we are anxious we tend to hold our breath. Using a breathing meditation allows us to take in more oxygen. And, more oxygen allows us to think more clearly.
5. Stay busy. Find free activities. Take a walk. Visit the park or the beach.
6. Find more creative ways for finding the goods and services you need. Barter. Recycle. Negotiate. Create.
Attitude Strategies
1. Start the morning with a positive affirmation.
2. Focus on the ways that the glass of your life is half (or more) full.
3. Avoid comparing your insides to someone else’s outsides. For example, you know your 401K is in the toilet. Don’t assume that the same is not true for your neighbor or brother-in-law. When you think of yourself as the only victim you further feed the negative emotions.
4. See crisis as an opportunity to shift gears.
5. Accept those around you as they are. Focus instead on what can be changed in your and your attitudes.
6. Don’t dwell on your losses, mourn them and let them go.
A special thank you to the meeting participants: Ann Toback Bair, LCSW, Barbara Jacob, LMHC, Mark Levinsky, LMHC, Susan Ames, CLU, ChFC, Erica Goodstone, PhD, LMHC, Lisheyna Hurvitz, LMHC, Lillian Alper, LCSW, Susan Lander, MSW, Irv Nadler, PhD, Robin Goldstein, EdD, Beth Cutler, LMHC, CAP, and Julie Shuman, PsyD.
We are currently living through financial, real estate and health crises. The stock market and banks are in upheaval, the real estate market is a disaster, unemployment is at an all time high, and in addition to the health care mess we are facing a possible pandemic. This is enough to push almost anyone over the edge.
Ann Toback Bair, LCSW, calls our current situation a “crisis of trust.” Sadly, there have been serious breaches of trust and many of us have lost faith in our leaders, our institutions, each other and, for some, our selves.
The financial crisis has triggered a lot of shame. Those who have lost their homes, their jobs, and their available credit often feel driven to point the finger of blame at their spouses, family members, and friends. Loss brings back childhood insecurities, leaving us with a diminished capacity and a tendency to act out negatively.
However, there are things you can do to avoid falling victim to the negativity. Strategies for getting though the current crisis fall into two categories - action strategies and attitude strategies.
Action Strategies
1. Create a concrete plan of action. List your personal resources and then conceptualize the strategies that you will utilize during the next month, 6 months and year ahead.
2. Become an activist. Get involved with something that is going to make a difference.
3. Commune. Connect with your neighbors and members of your community. Avoid isolation. Start or join a support group or a meet-up. Have a Bar-b-q – serve hot dogs, not steak. Make time for sharing breakfast. It’s critical to remember that you are not alone.
4. Meditate and breathe. When we are anxious we tend to hold our breath. Using a breathing meditation allows us to take in more oxygen. And, more oxygen allows us to think more clearly.
5. Stay busy. Find free activities. Take a walk. Visit the park or the beach.
6. Find more creative ways for finding the goods and services you need. Barter. Recycle. Negotiate. Create.
Attitude Strategies
1. Start the morning with a positive affirmation.
2. Focus on the ways that the glass of your life is half (or more) full.
3. Avoid comparing your insides to someone else’s outsides. For example, you know your 401K is in the toilet. Don’t assume that the same is not true for your neighbor or brother-in-law. When you think of yourself as the only victim you further feed the negative emotions.
4. See crisis as an opportunity to shift gears.
5. Accept those around you as they are. Focus instead on what can be changed in your and your attitudes.
6. Don’t dwell on your losses, mourn them and let them go.
A special thank you to the meeting participants: Ann Toback Bair, LCSW, Barbara Jacob, LMHC, Mark Levinsky, LMHC, Susan Ames, CLU, ChFC, Erica Goodstone, PhD, LMHC, Lisheyna Hurvitz, LMHC, Lillian Alper, LCSW, Susan Lander, MSW, Irv Nadler, PhD, Robin Goldstein, EdD, Beth Cutler, LMHC, CAP, and Julie Shuman, PsyD.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Co-Preneur Advice
Q: What's the best way to partner up with my spouse? I'm starting a real estate company and I want my husband, who will soon get his real estate license, to be a part of it. Would it be best, financially, to work as a team with him doing sales and me doing listings or have him as an assistant? How should we define our business roles?
A: Co-preneurship is one of my favorite topics. I find the combination of entrepreneurship and the marriage relationship fascinating. And, I am a co-preneur myself.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau's 2002 Economic Census more than 3.6 million businesses in the U.S. are run by co-preneurs, husband-wife entrepreneurial teams. Certainly, no single model fits all of them. Some are part of a revolution that is pioneering a new model of marital and business equality. For others, their business is an extension of a traditional marriage where mom is behind the scenes and dad runs the show. The recent growth in co-preneurship has been attributed to a wide variety of causes, everything from new franchise availability to the high cost of child care.
For many co-preneurial couples no part of life is separate from the others; your financial, spiritual, professional and family lives are intertwined. As such, copreneurs face some unusual challenges, and reap some magnificent rewards.
As a result of both my work with co-preneurs and my personal experience as one - building my own business (AFriendlyDivorce.com) with my husband, David - I have come to see that there are no easy answers. What works for some will be disaster for others. However, some key concepts are essential to making co-preneurship work. Here are my top six tips for working with your spouse.
1. Be patient. It’s necessary to learn to work together. So, when you start a new business, be prepared for a learning curve. It takes time to establish the right working relationship and pace. So whatever you decide today may not be what you are following tomorrow. Starting your new venture will involve trial and error. So don't get discouraged.
2. Find and define your shared vision and values. Shared vision and values are necessary for success. It’s important that co-preneurs agree on the purpose of their business; is it a way of life or a way to earn an income? You will be making business decisions based on your priorities and values.
3. Divide the work. The more distinction you have in your tasks and job descriptions, the better. For many couples, dividing tasks according to ability, not gender stereotypes, is difficult. But this is what often works best. As with all business partnerships, co-preneurship will work best if you and your husband possess different skill sets. Your husband is a very unusual man if he is willing to be called your "assistant." That is a loaded title that raises a red flag. If this is the route that you decide to go I think he should be called the "administrator" or the CFO instead.
4. Communicate. Find out how your husband really feels. Have you considered how this endeavor will effect your marriage? Take about it. Write about it.
5. Fight fair. Hear each other out. Keep all arguments focused on the current dispute instead of reverting back to old hurts and squabbles. And, when you disagree, give yourselves a cooling-off period before making the final decision.
6. Put the saver, not the spender, in charge of money, finances and budgets. The spender may go kicking and screaming, but this is almost always the best business policy.
Co-preneurship can destroy a marriage. So, before you take the plunge, honestly assess your situation. If you regularly struggle with control issues in your marriage, running a business together is not a great idea.
Remember, there is no getting away from your co-worker when you are married to him. You already know whether you and your husband operate as a team or as two individuals who happen to share a space and a future.
A: Co-preneurship is one of my favorite topics. I find the combination of entrepreneurship and the marriage relationship fascinating. And, I am a co-preneur myself.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau's 2002 Economic Census more than 3.6 million businesses in the U.S. are run by co-preneurs, husband-wife entrepreneurial teams. Certainly, no single model fits all of them. Some are part of a revolution that is pioneering a new model of marital and business equality. For others, their business is an extension of a traditional marriage where mom is behind the scenes and dad runs the show. The recent growth in co-preneurship has been attributed to a wide variety of causes, everything from new franchise availability to the high cost of child care.
For many co-preneurial couples no part of life is separate from the others; your financial, spiritual, professional and family lives are intertwined. As such, copreneurs face some unusual challenges, and reap some magnificent rewards.
As a result of both my work with co-preneurs and my personal experience as one - building my own business (AFriendlyDivorce.com) with my husband, David - I have come to see that there are no easy answers. What works for some will be disaster for others. However, some key concepts are essential to making co-preneurship work. Here are my top six tips for working with your spouse.
1. Be patient. It’s necessary to learn to work together. So, when you start a new business, be prepared for a learning curve. It takes time to establish the right working relationship and pace. So whatever you decide today may not be what you are following tomorrow. Starting your new venture will involve trial and error. So don't get discouraged.
2. Find and define your shared vision and values. Shared vision and values are necessary for success. It’s important that co-preneurs agree on the purpose of their business; is it a way of life or a way to earn an income? You will be making business decisions based on your priorities and values.
3. Divide the work. The more distinction you have in your tasks and job descriptions, the better. For many couples, dividing tasks according to ability, not gender stereotypes, is difficult. But this is what often works best. As with all business partnerships, co-preneurship will work best if you and your husband possess different skill sets. Your husband is a very unusual man if he is willing to be called your "assistant." That is a loaded title that raises a red flag. If this is the route that you decide to go I think he should be called the "administrator" or the CFO instead.
4. Communicate. Find out how your husband really feels. Have you considered how this endeavor will effect your marriage? Take about it. Write about it.
5. Fight fair. Hear each other out. Keep all arguments focused on the current dispute instead of reverting back to old hurts and squabbles. And, when you disagree, give yourselves a cooling-off period before making the final decision.
6. Put the saver, not the spender, in charge of money, finances and budgets. The spender may go kicking and screaming, but this is almost always the best business policy.
Co-preneurship can destroy a marriage. So, before you take the plunge, honestly assess your situation. If you regularly struggle with control issues in your marriage, running a business together is not a great idea.
Remember, there is no getting away from your co-worker when you are married to him. You already know whether you and your husband operate as a team or as two individuals who happen to share a space and a future.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Have You Launched Your Divorce/Family Mediation Practice?
Dear Family Mediator,
Have you successfully launched your divorce/family mediation practice?
Are you satisfied with your divorce/family mediation practice?
Newly trained mediators often report that they face obstacles in their efforts to launch their divorce/family mediation practices. It seems that whether the goal is to build a practice for couples that are represented by attorneys or for those that are pro-se, the road to private practice is often bumpy. Obstacles can include:
- a lack of confidence regarding the novice mediator’s ability to effectively facilitate the session,
- a lack of confidence regarding the mediator’s knowledge of the legalities involved in divorce, including calculating child support and writing the marital settlement agreement,
- market saturation,
- a failure to create an inclusive marketing plan, and
- the lack of a professional mentor and/or a support system.
If these or any other obstacle has kept you from achieving your goal of launching a divorce/family mediation practice, please don't give up. I have long believed that the 40-hour training model that we use in Florida is only a first step for embarking upon a new career as a professional divorce/family mediator. If you are already certified but you still feel unprepared to go to the next level, I have a solution for you. If you have tried to get your practice going with less then satisfactory results, I have a solution for you.
You are invited to join "Launch Your Practice: A Professional Group For Divorce/Family Mediators."
The group will meet over a six month period. During this time we will explore topics related to mediation techniques and strategies as well as to the marketing of a mediation practice. Our time together will include three day-long meetings (August 2009, October 2009, and January 2010), bi-monthly phone conversations and an in-depth email dialogue. Enrollment is limited and participants will be selected so that there will be no direct geographic market competitors. The investment for being a part of this group is $2495. Please call or email me if you want to learn more.
All the best,
Elinor
Florida Supreme Court Certified Mediator & Mediatioin Trainer
Boca Raton, FL
561-394-9226
954-415-5645 CELL
elinorobin@aol.com
* Teaching mediation - over 5000 professionals trained - http://www.mediationtraininggroup.com/
* Commercial, family, community, & workplace mediation - http://www.elinorrobin.com/
* Divorce Mediation & Forms - http://www.afriendlydivorce.com/
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Engaged
This weekend my son Seth (a/k/a Jesse and Yeshi) Sheckartze became engaged to Lena Bausk. They are a perfect match. (In my opinion.) Details to follow. The engagement party will be March 29 and the wedding will be sometime this summer. You can leave them your well wishes at http://www.onlysimchas.com/v4/index.cfm/fuseaction:simcha.view/simchaid:83004.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Two Sides To Every Story
Q: How do you deal with an employee who doesn't get along with the rest of the staff? There are seven women working in close proximity. One woman refuses to take her lunch break with the others. She will not talk to them either. This attitude makes the six other employees uncomfortable. What ideas do you have to alleviate this problem?
Read my answer, my newest contribution to Entrepreneur.com at
http://www.entrepreneur.com/ask/answer12870.html
Read my answer, my newest contribution to Entrepreneur.com at
http://www.entrepreneur.com/ask/answer12870.html
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